Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm passing your future prison.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
