I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
