you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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