apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
