thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
