it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
