Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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