I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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