I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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