guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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