Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
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