I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
