sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
