i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
