So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
