He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
