I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
