my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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