Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
