i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
