On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
