Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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