He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
