So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
