Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
