It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
