I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Sorry my hands just texted you
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
