It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
