took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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