Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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