We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
