the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
