I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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