If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
