I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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