I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
