i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
