Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
