mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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