i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
