I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
