I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Green mimosas i think yes
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
