how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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