ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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