I'm jealous of your bromance
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
