I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
