his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
