Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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