yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
