Your dad touched me again.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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